I’m just fine….
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I’m ok with not being the perfect person, mom, soldier or wife. Yes I said it, and to tell you the truth, once it is said out loud, personally I feel relieved. It is so hard to act like I have it together all the time. What a train wreck that makes me, and yes it is not pretty.
Ladies and Gents, it took me many years to finally get to this level of care. I have spent those years trying to truly figure out me, and guess what I really don’t know anymore today that I did then. I have just learned that it is ok to not be ok. It is ok to be imperfect and not together all the time. That dirty little mind trick will save you so much time with stressing about stuff you have no real control over anyway.
My job in the Army right now is to teach. I teach at an Academy for developing leaders. This is extremely stressful because I just don’t want to fail. However, I have learned that my gift of being able to talk to anybody is actually strength. What, how the heck did that happen? I have been told for years that just walking up to a stranger and starting a conversation is a bad thing, but for here it really isn’t. My love of people and being able to talk to them every day is a great outlet for stress. I hope that when I leave for home every day that I have taught at least one person something new. It’s a crazy feeling to see what your teaching being implemented.
Why is being a parent so hard…
Now, I wish my job as a parent was that easy. I think that children should come with a warning label. “Beware, crazy will come and you never know when”, or the fact that children will ultimately leave and break your heart. I absolutely love being a parent, and I love my children unconditionally, but let me tell you, there are days I want to lock myself in my closet just for some quiet me time. I think from the minute I pick my children up from daycare until the minute they close their innocent eyes they don’t ever take a breath. Like seriously, my children never stop talking, seriously when do you breathe child? I say again, I love them unconditionally, but it is ok not to like them all the time. Oh crap, did she really say that, Oh YEA! I will sit here and tell you that it is ok and I would think completely normal to not always like your child. My daughter is a 12 year old know-it-all. I swear the minute I tell her some kind of fact, she has a comeback and I truly just want to scream. I absolutely hate when that happens. If I wanted you to respond I would have formed it as a question, but noooooo apparently I have a child who has to have the last word. Lord baby Jesus, please help me, and bring me some calm for this 12 year old storm that is brewing.
My 5 year old is seriously a bundle of energy. I think he could be attributed to a ping pong ball during a game, just never stopping. I just don’t have the energy to keep up anymore. I have figured out that if I sit still long enough, he will slow down his hurricane and find me. But in that storm, I absolutely love that he is learning. If I were ever to give advice, it would be to never stop learning. It should be a continuous thing and never ending.
An Angel among the hurricane…
And lastly, my sweet little 1 year old, finally the lord has blessed me with an angel. I think when it comes to children you always have one that is just the sweetheart, and then you have one that I swear represents the devil himself, just straight out dog mean sometimes. My little man is the rock in my storm because mommy is his world. Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes I’m locked in that closet with a glass of wine because I just need him to go play by himself and let mommy have a break, but he is my lil man nonetheless.
I think the hardest part of this equation is that somewhere along the way, I have lost me, the real me and I have spent time trying to figure out where I went. Did I go into some corner and just never reappear? If you have ever been in the Army, after some time you will become a leader and thus your life will be spent trying to ensure your Soldiers are trained and well don’t do something stupid, which they inevitably will. Now you have to take your precious off time, that would be spent with the family and now you must utilize that time to correct this stupid action. Even when that is done, now you must be mom to the kids and wife to the husband. But at what point do I get to just be Tab? I truly don’t know the answer, but I know I’m working towards it. I know the baby steps that I have begun to take will lead to bounds and soon I will remember why I enjoyed just being me.
Along the way, please remember that there are things that you loved prior to your job, prior to the marriage, and prior to children. I implore you to remember that you are not just MOM, you are not just the WIFE, and by god you are not just a SOLDIER.
As always, until tomorrow…